A Typical Telephone Conversation

I have one question. If you are a parent, can you maintain a phone conversation for more than say, oh, 1-3 minutes without saying, "Can you hold on for a sec?" while at the same time either pressing the mute button or covering the mouthpiece and screaming, "MOMMY IS ON THE PHONE, KNOCK IT OFF!!!"
I apparently cannot accomplish this task. My husband and I regularly tell each other that we should record our phone conversations for posterity because they usually go something like this...

Husband: "Hey hon, just checkin' in. How's your day going?"
Me: "Good, I was able to...HEY, STOP HITTING YOUR BROTHER WITH THAT CAR...get some milk at the grocery store because ...I SAID KNOCK IT OFF! WHAT PART OF MY PREVIOUS STATEMENT DID YOU NOT HEAR???...we went through 3 gallons in only 4 days and we are running low...Hey, give that back to him, I SAID, GIVE IT...1-2-DO YOU WANT TO SIT IN TIME OUT? BECAUSE IF I GET TO 3 YOU ARE SITTING IN TIME OUT!...I'm sorry, what was I saying? Hold on a minute, I quickly cover the mouthpiece, because after all it is my husband and if he hears me going on like a lunatic, he will not refer me to DYFS. Whereas, I reserve the mute button for acquaintances and complete strangers who may or may not refer me to the Department of Youth and Family Services. This is completely dependent upon whether or not they have children themselves.
Husband: "You were telling me about the milk."
Me: "Oh, yeah, and I was able to get some more bread and freeze the last...hold on a minute, I'm sorry...WHAT PART OF YOU THOUGHT JUMPING OFF THE COFFEE TABLE ONTO YOUR BROTHER WAS A GOOD IDEA???? GO SIT IN TIME...YES, YOU LOST THE WII FOR 3 DAYS...WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT THAT BEFORE YOU JUMPED ON YOUR BROTHER'S HEAD...I SAID NOW!...few loaves for next week.
Husband: "Umm, you sound kind of busy, I better get back to the office."

Yes, everyone, that's right. This is pretty much verbatim the conversations between myself and my "dearly beloved, we are gathered here today..." spouse. Remember the days of staying up late and discussing deep political issues, like," should Clinton be impeached?" Or did you hear the latest version of Eddie Vedder's cover of "Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay?" while wearing tie-dye shirts and hanging out on the back deck of our college apartments. We were young, ready to conquer the world, take on "the Man."

Well, we are definitely taking on "the men," they are just a much different version of what I envisioned while staying up late and talking to "my man." However, I love every minute of it... well, maybe not every minute, but most of them:)

The Hundred Dollar Target Challenge

I recently went to Target to purchase some Easter supplies. At the checkout, I was astounded to see the total that was rung up by the cashier. Out of some semblance of self-respect and just pure embarrassment, I will keep that number to myself. However, my husband was none to thrilled to hear the number. Let's just say, due to some husband pressure, I will be returning some items. Which in his mind is a good thing. Send my wife back to the very store from which she is apparently unable to spend less than a hundred dollars on any given visit. Which leads me to my challenge to wives, moms, heck just plain women everywhere.

Can you go to Target and spend less than a hundred dollars????

I find it almost impossible. Let me recreate the scene for you. I pull the minivan, yes minivan, because let's be realistic here, my days of two seater black convertible cars are like some distant memory from long ago. Anyway, I pull the minivan into the parking space and already I am getting excited. Maybe I'll find that really cool summer T-shirt I've been looking for or maybe that brown leather belt with the buckle that tells people everywhere that, "Hey, she's still cool, for a mom." Yes, I admit it, these thoughts are circling around my brain as I wave hi to the security guard that only works on the weekends at our local Target. Apparently, people only shoplift Friday to Sunday in our area. I grab my cart with the warm, friendly red colors that say, buy me, and head in to try and "return" some things to assuage my guilt over my most recent totals.
A jumbo pack of diapers, a loaf of bread, some cleaning supplies, random organizational items and some double AA batteries later (because let's be honest, kids burn through those things quicker than fruit snacks after lunch) and I have once again failed to stay under the hundred dollar limit. Yes, I admit it, I am a Targaholic. Yes, that's right, I said it, a Targaholic. It's my new word for being unable to stay under the hundred dollar limit. Women everywhere, come and confess, join my in my quest and gosh, darn it, if you can be successful, I and others like me will applaud you!!!
However, if you look at my items you can clearly see that I was not being selfish in my spending. Look at them, JUST LOOK AT THEM, I TRIED, I REALLY, REALLY TRIED!!!! Have you seen the cost of diapers recently????

I will say though, I reeeeaaaalllllllyyyy like my new belt...

"Mine and NO!"

These two words are undoubtedly my two least favorite words in the English language. Conversely, they are probably the boys two most favorite words in the English language, next to "mommmmmyyyyyyy."
Case in point:

Me: "Let's change your diaper."
Insert name of twin: "NO!"
Me: "Well, given that the smell eminating from your nether region is enough to take down Somali pirates off the coast of Africa, it's probably about that time."
Insert name of twin: "NO!"
Me: Let's try this from a different angle, "Would you like to eat worms dipped in oatmeal?"
Insert name of twin: "NO!"
Me: "How about some licorice and ice cream for breakfast?"
Insert name of twin: "NO!"

O.k., I get it. Apparently ice cream for breakfast is not on your agenda today which is probably a good thing. However, fighting with your brother over Scrabble pieces and which area rug to pull up today is. As evidenced by the reverberating, "MINE!" echoing throughout my house from dawn to dusk.

Doctor's Visits

I find that doctor's visits changed drastically once I went from one child to three children. What used to be an enjoyable exchange of questions concerning late teeth, growth charts, weight gain, etc. is now reduced to screaming, crowd control and downright humiliation. For example, read about my most recent experience below:

So, I just got back from the doctor's office for twin #2.

Let's summarize: Hmmm, in between the twins taking turns screaming and crying, "mommmmmyyyyyyy" and both attempting to climb on my lap at the same time while simultaneously hitting each other to keep the aforementioned goal to themselves, I am having the following conversation with the doctor.
Doctor: "Twin #1 has both pink eye and here you might need this," subtly hands me a kleenex.
I look at the kleenex and think to myself, wow, how did she know I needed one. Then I look down at Twin #2 and see he has a river of mucous running out of his nose. Fun.
Me: Thanks, I didn't even realize his nose was running.
Doctor: Anyway, in addition to the pink eye, Twin #2 also has impotago(sp?), so I am going to...why don't I try and slide the chair closer to you (Twin #1 is now climbing on the chair next to us and attempting to jump off of it into my lap).
Me: "Thanks, he's such a momma's boy," as I think to myself, my first son was NEVER like this.
Doctor: So, I'm going to prescribe an oral antibiotic for the pink eye and a topical antibiotic for the staff."
Me: "I'm sorry did you say, staff?," as Twin #2 is now screaming "bye bye mommy, bye bye mommy, fishies FISSSHHHIIEEEESSSS," referring to fish tank that we were looking at in the waiting room.
Doctor: "Yes, the constant wiping of his nose led to it becoming raw and open and a staff infection got in there(impotago) sp? again, so the topical antibiotic should help clear it up.
Twin #1 and Twin #2 are now crawling around on the very clean doctor's office floor and trying to open the wastebasket that says "hazardous materials."
Me: Now, I have strep throat, but have been on an antibiotic for 24 hours, so I don't believe I'm contagious any longer. How will I know if the twins have it?
Doctor: "umm, they probably shouldn't be trying to open that, heh, heh," most likely referring to the very clearly marked "hazardous materials" wastebasket.
Me: "Yeah, I know, they're soooo silllyyyyy, heh, heh. Boys, get over here NOW!" They both look at me, and turn their heads and pretend I haven't even spoken a word. Again, I am thinking, my first son was NEVER like this.
The doctor then proceeds to describe every symptom of strep throat that the twins already have. Then she says this.
Doctor: "However many times in children this young, strep can present itself as a very red rashy rectal ring." My mind immediately flashes back to earlier this week, when my oldest was complaining that his, "butt itched." I had looked at it and noticed that it was a very small contained red rash and had been putting triple paste on it over the last several days.
Me: "Oh my gosh, my son has that."
Doctor: Looking concerned, " Which baby?"
Me: "Oh, no my other son, he's four."
Doctor: "We'll make an appointment for him for later today." The twins are now attempting to pick up the tongue depressor on the floor and put it into their mouths. They keep shouting, "AHHHHHHH, hahahahaha," and are now saying, "Bye, Bye, doctor."

So to sum it all up, two cases of strep, one of staff and pink eye and I'm told that twin #2 will get all three in a few days. Let's top it all off with a 5:10 appointment for a rectal swab and we had an AWESOME day!